Of Sexual Abuse and Near Death Before Salvation
The Lord has brought me through many things and I'm sure other Christians have gone through them also. I was about 12 years old and was so depressed all the time. I had an abusive mother who sexually abused me from about the time I was 5 yrs old. So by the time I was 12 I wanted to die, I never really told anyone that. I started going to church down the road where we lived, I never really heard that much about Jesus that I could remember but one night, sitting outside in the yard, crying and looking up at the stars; I said "God if you're really real and Jesus is real and He is your son, then show me a falling star." Before I completed the sentence there was a falling star.
I accepted the Lord when I was 18. I had run away from home on my 18th birthday cause I knew they couldn't make me go back. I went to my aunt and uncle's home and stayed the summer with them. I was there about 3 weeks when I accepted the Lord into my life. I did come home and made up with mom. I had found a small church to go to and my brothers went with me. My sister (who is older than me) -- her family began to come and she also accepted the Lord.
The conflicts at home were worse than before and one night at church I sobbed out to the Lord, and in a vision I saw Him walk up behind me. I had first felt a hand on my shoulder and thought it was the pastor or my sister but they weren't close enough. That's when I saw Jesus, and He was walking in a light so bright it should have hurt my eyes but it didn't and there was an overwhelming feeling of love. He was dressed in a long robe with a gold belt. It's funny -- I looked down to see if He had sandles on or was bare foot. He said "It will be alright." When I got home things were better that very night.
You know one thing I have learned is that when Jesus speaks, He doesn't have to say a whole lot. I was always told never to ask Jesus or the Father to show me proof of anything but to have faith and believe. That is probably true, but you know, He does show you when it's necessary to do so. The day I was saved, coming home with my uncle, of course satan started right in on me. I said "Lord if what I'm feeling is real and I am saved then show me a sign," but immediately I said "NO never mind, they say to believe without seeing and I'm going to believe I am saved."
I don't believe in [once saved always saved] because I was a backslider, I quit going to church, I didn't have anyone to talk to about it even in the church I was going to. My husband started an argument every time I got ready for church and it was easier for me to quit than to fight all the time. I was a new Christian and though I had several beautiful experiences with the Lord, the abuse beat me down. I'd asked for forgiveness again and again for going back on the Lord but I couldn't feel His forgiveness until a few years later. He spoke to me one day and said I had better get back to where I belonged before it was too late. But in a 3 week period more or less, I was almost killed 3 times. The first one I cannot for the life of me remember what it was, but the second time I was crossing the street and the cars would not let me get across and I was stuck in the middle, like I was invisible or something. This one car was so close that it brushed against my body. Now by rights it should have knocked me off my feet but I believe that the Lord, an angel, someone, was standing between me and that car.
The next week we were at the river under a bridge looking for fossils when this group of men began shooting our direction. Now I know they could clearly see us cause we could them. I think they were drunk or something. My husband would not believe they were, cause he can't hear good and he didn't see the bullets hitting around us. I called to him to get out of the way when, as he bent over, one hit the sand right behind him. I could not get him to listen and then a voice boomed all around me, loud as could be and He said "MOVE!!!" I didn't ask where, when or how, I just moved and a bullet whizzed by me -- I heard the whistle of it as it passed right by my ear and felt the wind from it.
I did go back to church and one thing that the Lord told me was to forgive myself and when I did I could feel His forgiveness. Well that's all it took. He had forgiven me but I couldn't myself because I was so ashamed for leaving Him after what He had done for me and the things He had shown me. My husband started his old tricks again and I stood my ground this time. Now if I was okay with the Lord during those times why did He feel He had to warn me of where I was headed and of course satan didn't want me to, so he tried to kill me. There is one thing I do know and that is the Lord never leaves us or forsakes us, and He'll let no man or anything take us out of His hand. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and He came to die for me on the Cross for my sins. And in faith, believing by His Grace by His blood shed for me "I am Saved!!" I believe the Bible word for word, from beginning to end, just as it is written and if I don't understand then the Lord shows or tells me. I was reading something, don't remember where it was now, but I could not make heads or tails of it and told the Lord, "Lord, I just don't understand what this is saying." Well I thought I'd turn our Christian station on awhile and do you know that there was a Bible study on and that very chapter I had been reading was on the screen on a black board and they were talking about it.
PO Box 265
Washington, PA 15301